Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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