I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
