Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
