Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
