Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
