Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
