I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
