Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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