note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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