When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
