My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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