The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
