Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
