Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
