is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
