I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
