Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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