end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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