Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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