Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
