You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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