my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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