I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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