Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
