It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we're making bets on your personal life
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
