Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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