I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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