my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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