weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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