Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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