My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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