chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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