How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Text me some of your sweat
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
