Define "chronic" masturbator.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
