She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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