literally had 100 drinks last night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
