We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
