Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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