The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
