I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
