Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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