Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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