Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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