so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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