I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
