I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
