Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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