New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
