I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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