I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
