Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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