dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
